Onliesta

Sometimes I'll be sitting next to Marilu, driving somewhere or staring at the stupid box, and I'll get a whiff of pot-smoker's breath and I'll look over slightly to see her lips open and I just want to yell, "Shut your mouth!"  But I don't, because that would be mean.  So I just think it instead.

Mom's going to be here in two days and she's bitching that she can't pack very many clothes because she has so many toy and treats for the children.  Now that isn't actually my fault, so she can complain as much as she wants but she still loves the sight of Belle Starr ransacking her luggage in search of new squeaky toys and stinky snacks.

"But I didn't get anything for Jess."

"That's ok.  We can just pick her up some Halloween Peeps.  They should be out by now."

"Oh, I do have some really gross gum drops.  Does she like those?"

"Mom, she isn't a garbage disposal for your unwanted candy!"

Actually, she is.  She loves my Twizzlers when they get too hard.  But still!

So I got an email from the SF job.  It was long and I scanned it quickly this morning at work before I had to close it.  Living arrangements looked decent.  Salary was about $6,000 less than what I make now but I was thinking I could work with it if it gets me back in a barn.  So I thought about it at work, waiting 'til the office cleared out so I could really read the email. 

The kicker I missed is they would charge me $800/month for board!  That's so beyond silly I don't know where to start!  Board where I am now is $525 but because I just pay cost, I pay $300.  I know SF is expensive but how could you imagine it costs $800!! 

Then, if you do the math, which people with money *never* do, it get's even more awesome.  Salary is like $24K.  Take home after taxes would be $1560 each month.  Minus the board, I'd have $760 each month!  Hilarious!  I guess us poor folk prolly don't need to worry 'bout car insurance, vet bills, groceries, cell phones.  I mean, if housing is provided, what more could we need?

Not knowing is the hard part so I'm actually relieved and honestly humored right now.  All I have to worry about is getting the casita clean enough for mother dearest and decorating for Halloween (which I can now do, seeing as I will not be relocating in the end of October).

SF would have been nice, though.  But not if I was starving to death.

So three weeks after I last heard from the Bay area job, I get a voicemail.  "Just calling to see if you're interested in the job.  I know you've spoken with [barn owner].  Please let me know."

My call was unanswered so I left a message.  I specified my first and last name and my former boss they used as a reference and clarified that no, in fact I had not heard from anyone in three weeks and just assumed they had found someone else.  "But if the position is still open and you think I'd be a good fit..."

I mean, come on.  I'm pretty sure they just confused me with someone else but it would have been nice to have gotten a Thanks But No Thanks call or email. 

That kind of crap makes me cranky.

Because it became apparent to me a couple weeks ago that I wasn't getting a job elsewhere and I was in fact going to rot in Arizona for the rest of my life, I decided it was a perfect time to fly Mumsy out for a visit.  I haven't seen her in nearly a year and a half and am very excited.  Looks like we won't be actually able to afford to leave the state, we'll have to just do the AZ thing.  And I do love Arizona but I love travelling too.  Alas, it is not in the cards. 

If I'm here in February it will have been five whole years.  Arg!  At that point I will declare myself a complete failure.

I was told by Ann that the job was mine if I wanted it.  Then I was asked to send over my wildest dreams of a salary request and I haven't heard from them in five days.  I emailed yesterday to "just check" and make sure they'd gotten it.  Still nothing.  So sad, too bad.  Mom's still rooting for it but I'm less enthused.  I want to be hired by people that WANT me. 

My stomach has settled down so I can eat again and not feel like I'm going to puke.  But the psychological effects of the job search live on.  I completely lost it while riding a couple days ago.  Sobbing, choking on my own snot.  Nonsense, just complete nonsense in my head.  Talks with friends and mother about the job lured me to step into others' perspectives of my own life and I hate what they see.  No one would say it so bluntly but I think I'm thought to have made a mistake with the ol' carreer path.  That I want to do this meaningless, menial, unchallenging work still is just unbelievable to some.  Or maybe I'm just crazy.  Huge possibility. 

Either way, I'm completely unhappy now and it isn't even about the Bay area anymore.  I'm trying to shake myself out of it.  It's so easy to mope and sigh lethargically and sing a Woe Is I mantra all day long.  Finding my own perspective - the one in which I am happy viewing my life from - is a challenge. 

I tried something new last night and read through a few old love letters.  They aren't love letters in the romantic sense, but letters to people that I loved and/or loved me.  Grandma, Dad, Friends.  Not directly helpful, it was still a nice tangent to go down.  I've been too afraid to do that.  Those letters have never been reread in (sometimes) 13 years.  I miss Grandma very much now.  Very, very much. 

This weekend should be a distraction.  It's ML and my one year anniversary.  I've been sure of our demise for a month but moving slowly.  We'll celebrate anyway.  Tonight we're just going to go "out."  Shoot some pool, visit a few gay bars.  And tomorrow is her birthday and I'm taking her to a local trail riding place near my (our?) favorite park for an hour and half trial ride. 

Why the demise?  We met on a dark and stormy night.  We'd both gone to a tiny venue to see our favorite singers and we met there and things took off.  She was very obviously gay and I was pretty obviously straight.  I'd been wanting to see what a relationship with a girl would be like but too chicken to do anything about it.  And she likes straight girls.  She was completely wasted by the end of the night (also celebrating her birthday) and had told me her life story and I'd said about five sentances and was as sober as ever.  She knew, even though she couldn't remember large portions of the night, that she wanted me in the girlfriend sort of way.  So the relationship was based on nothing.  We have fun together, we really do.  And she treats me right and loves the animals.  But we're on very different levels.  I have my shit together and she doesn't.  Our intellect/humor is also competely different.  And she's more than three years younger than me, and somehow, that's a lot.

It's hard being the heartless one.

I've heard more good things about the job from Ann and spoke briefly with the trainer before her phone cut out 68 times.  I'm going to call her once I get off work in about ten minutes.  I still don't know about salary but I know the trainer is sane and the job sounds long term.  And the housing does sound excellent and there's "no problem" with me having a horse.  I haven't heard that from the trainer so "not problem" may mean "no problem if you pay half your salary in board."  So cynical!  So unlike me! 

I so hate the job search.  My stomach has been upset since yesterday and I can't eat but I'm starving.  So once this interview is done, I'm going to inhale multiple soft tacos from Taco Bell because I'm classy like that, blab on to my mother, and be done with it.  (Or just beginning, depending).

I sent my resume to a job posting yesterday.  It sounds like it might be ideal, depending on what was left out of the ad (eg. salary, board, if the people are complete nut jobs).  And I just got a message from my old boss saying they'd called for a reference today.  They haven't even called me yet.

I'm so excited I could explode right here at my desk!  If it's everyting I'm hoping, I could be moving to the bay area!  Holy luck!  It's a barn manager/assistant job at a private eventer's barn.  All the job duties I yearn for.  Salary and "excellent" housing.  Starting in October, which would leave me time to have a vacation. 

I'm starting to settle a little big.  In Ann's message, she said she wanted to speak with me before she returns the call to see, "it it's what I really want."  Could be code for, "You really don't want this."  I'm sure that Ann knows this rider personally.  Maybe she's a loon or increadibly mean.  Or maybe they don't allow dogs and cats in their excellent housing.  Maybe their excellent housing is a studio with an easy bake oven and a dorm room fridge and no phone/tv/internet provided.  Maybe their salary is $800/month.  Maybe they don't have room for another horse.  Or their looking for someone more temporary.  Maybe they'll require I fly myself to SF to discover all this.  All of the above have already happened in this 2 year long job search so I should be wary. 

But maybe it'll be just like my former job.  Working for Ann wasn't all rainbows and sunbeams and fluffy puppies but more and more I find the masocistic side of my personality asking myself if I did the right thing by refusing to move to NJ.  If I had, I'm fairly certain I'd be set.  I'd be employed with horses, secure in my position, not in this situation where my boss thinks I'm a moron and I dread 8am five times a week.  But then, I'd be in New Jersey. 

Maybe this will be my do-over.  And just south of San Francisco!!

Why do you love your body?
Sponsored by Body by Victoria® from Victoria's Secret.

Because it gets me where I need to be in style, without Body by Victoria, even!

/snark

Everything is nearly the same as it was when we spoke last.  I think I'm less dissatisfied with the status of my existence.  This seems to be a result of my hideous adaptation of the It Is What It Is philosophy.  What was it Sarah Palin said about dead fish going with the flow?

The early summer served as a sort of sucker punch to my bank account.  That's why we have emergency savings I guess, but it's still had to let go of that money.  My car crapped out to the tune of a grand and then a month later Thermie's pee-hole got blocked up and he had to be catheterized and hospitalized and have his poor fluffy arm shaved for an IV but I got back a cat with a completely clean urethra for $1,600.  Worth it but still humbling financially.

Somehow, despite all of that, I'm still defending my right to vacation.  A while ago I asked Mom to let me fly her out here with my unused ticket from my sister's wedding with the intention of a kick ass, mountain filled road trip.  I don't think that's going to materialize because my sister had her kid in the beginning of this month and Mom stayed with her for nearly three weeks, not making any money or getting any time to herself and (most importantly) away from her cats.  So I don't think she's going to care to fly here and wander the country for a week or so. 

The sort of sad thing is that the ticket is probably just going to go to waste.  It's a $400 credit but I have to use it (not just book it) by November and there's no where I can think of going.  I'd rather drive to vacation so I can enjoy the journey and have the rotten road trip dog companion.  Sigh.  Maybe I'll just fly home for a weekend.  I know Mom would lurve to see me but I don't want to use up any vacation time on Florida, no offense Sunshine State.

In more fun news, besides planning vacations, the pets are rockin.  Thermie seems to be totally recovered.  It took him a week to get back to stalking the dog and waking me up at 4am by licking plastic but he's now back to "normal".    Belle Starr is going to celebrate her 7th (7th!!) birthday on August 9th with a whole lot more grey hairs on her fat little head.  And Jess is phenomenal.  I keep trying to schedule a lesson, even though I hate to pay for it, just to show off how awesome she's going lately!  (Not that we couldn't actually use a lesson.  I consistantly think we are more fabulous than Bobbie does). 

If money didn't matter, what job would you most like to have?
Submitted by Rainbird.

I was thinking along these lines last night, in a rare moment when I was actually helping out outside of the office, leading here to and from the breeding lab.  For me, money really doesn't matter if I'm doing a job that fulfills me.  They only time money really matters is when I feel I need to be compensated monetarily for spending my precious time doing something I find meaningless and displeasurable. 

Obviously, I can't work for free and I can't live off love but my needs are pretty modest.